March 24, 2020
I’m 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I just got the notice from my midwife that per state of California recommendations, they are treating low risk pregnancies by virtual visits when possible and in person visits when labs or other circumstances warrant during this corona virus crisis. I am super grateful that they are taking such precautions to ensure their availability for attending my birth (not being sick) and also not bringing sickness into my home. The email was thoughtful, laid out professionally, and makes total sense. However… of course not how I envisioned the end of pregnancy going. I have no actual cause for worry about my health or my baby’s health, hence some of the reasons why we have been planning a home birth since the beginning. If I was a high risk pregnancy I would be seeing an OB and planning to birth in a hospital. But even with the mental knowledge that I am healthy and all is good, the fear can creep in and it did this afternoon as I started crying to my husband.
This is a stressful time to be giving birth. Period. I am trying my best to talk to my baby to tell him it’s safe out here and that we are all ok and we are excited to meet him, but I know he can feel some of my stress, which of course makes me feel worse. Today on my walk I tried to tell him, “Mom feels stressed bc it is weird right now BUT I am strong and able to surrender so we will be ok.” I guess it might be a lesson in connecting and teaching my son about the reality of emotions and how they are ok. I can validate my feelings and not let them steamroll me. He is going to be quite a little trouper I can tell already if he’s choosing to come into the world now. I can’t wait to meet him.
So, even as I am grateful to be planning a birth at home (because you couldn’t pay me to be going to hospitals right now or even busy offices, with how the policies are literally changing daily with support persons/or husbands not being allowed in some labor and deliveries, and just the fact that hospitals are the centers for infections even more so now). My heart goes out to all women who are having to deal with that. I hope I will not. I am mentally staying in the zone of “I will not” and visualizing my birth at home.
I think it was healthy and helpful today to freak out a little though with the realization that I am not physically seeing my midwife in person until 40 weeks. I think it just hit home for me more today that this is all very real with how COVID-19 is affecting maternal care and our birth is being affected too, just probably not in ways that a lot of others are at the moment planning hospital births. I will see her in person of course if something comes up that warrants a need. Until then, I am going to be checking my vitals at home (just ordered a doppler for checking baby’s heart rate and a blood pressure monitor), doing virtual visits, waiting for labor and trying to relax. :)) We will not have anyone beyond the essential labor team come over (doula, midwife, assistant) so that means my husband and doula will be taking turns caring for my 20 month old while I labor. I can see the beauty in how this will be though. I wanted a family centered birth. We will be able to be just us for most of this and postpartum. It will be lovely and challenging and beautiful. I have been listening to unassisted birth stories the past week or so to just mentally get into that space even more of “My baby knows how to do this. My body knows how to do this. Everyone else is a witness.” I think it’s helping, along with some good releasing tears.
Birth and Botox 